There's been a lot of talk lately, on my social media about mommy guilt. I feel like i need to add my own 2 cents worth.
I feel guilty. I feel guilty ALL THE TIME. I feel guilty about not spending enough time with Lily.
I feel guilty about not always cooking her food from scratch, I still feel guilty about stopping breastfeeding. I feel guilty about dropping her off with Priscilla or play group while I go to yoga. I feel guilty about not always being present - I sometimes have the TV on when we are at home.
And then there's the guilt about not being a good enough wife. Sometimes I haven't organized dinner or I fall asleep on hubbies lap at 8:00pm.
I don't spend enough time with my friends, or call them often enough. I'm guilty about feeling jealous of their lives. Holidays and new cars, clothes and different restaurants.
That's a lot of guilt.
Yesterday I called a friend to chat about this, and she said, "Ash, you wanted a baby..." my heart broke.
When I put the phone down, I was so upset, cross even. I did want a baby - I still do.
How could she ever understand how deeply I love Lily?
She chose not to have children, and that's ok, but then she can never understand that when my 9 month old is sleeping - I miss her so much my heart aches. When Lily is crying from teething - I would do ANYTHING to help her and take that pain away.
I realized in that exact moment, that I love being a mom, I was born to be a mom to Lily. I am doing the best I know how. And even if I could go back in time, knowing what I know now and how hard it is, I would do it all again.
We might not be able to go on holiday for a while, but I get to wake up every morning and see the most beautiful smile waiting for me. And THAT'S something a holiday or a new car could never replace.
So I say feel the guilt, embrace it even. For I know that as much guilt as we feel sometimes, the love and adoration we feel for our children supersedes any feeling of inadequacy.